Been quite some time since I've posted. I've been concentrating on my new intrest in writing. Funny to think I've neglected updating my blog when I want to be a writer. I started to think that I'm barely now getting out of my funk. I'd been going through a terrible depression for too long in my opinion. It ruined high school for me, I know that. It's hard to think that the ones that smile constantly or attempt to have a bright outlook on the world could be going through emotional trama. To be honest I hated my life to no end, I hated my friends, I hated my family, I hated my luck. After the death of my dog, who I had to witness get hit by a car... even thinking about it hurts. I believe thats when it all began to go downhill. My friends became distant, my best friend began to hate me for having friends outside of our group. She did her best to separate me from my freinds and they went along with it, meeting up in secret, keeping me out of the loop. It was a terrible feeling still vaulnerable from the incident with my dog I was heartbroken and my depression became even worse. I blamed myself, I told myself I was a terrible person that deserved no friends. I sat alone, or hid in the library or classrooms during breaks. Walking home with my friends was unbearable, I often walked several feet behind them only to run home as soon as I could to cry. Soon enough I was walking home alone I was no longer invited to hang out and I never went to my best friends house. Although we were still best friends at the time. Sophmore year began to end and I was given a new dog, along with his little brother. I gave the little brother to my at the time best friend hoping it would bring us closer again and it did. For a short while we talked about raising out puppies and her mom brought doggie treats to me as a thank you. But in the end things returned to normal. Summer started and we went the entire three months without seeing one another, even though we lived pretty much accross the street. That summer was spent mostly alone, hidden in my house, I worked yes and hung out with my out of school friends going to anime conventions. When school started again my egger 'hi' to my assumed best friend was returned by a look. A look of utter disgust, of loathing, a look that told me "you're not good enough to speak to me." To be honest my world crumbled at that moment. I knew our friendship was dying, and that we weren't as close as we once were but to be thrown away so easily broke my heart. The others in my group followed they appeared uncomfertable if I spoke to them and often huddled around her. It was painful to think the people I'd been friends with since elementry school could be so... unfaithful. I've never liked to be alone I prefer to have one person to bond with at the least, but so much time had been built around them I had no idea how to form other friendships. I was alone, heartbroken, and depressed. I often advoided school and was absent maybe every other day or I'd wake up to only go to the last three classes of the day. I hated being there, I hated having classes with her. I hated seeing them walking home. It hurt because I could no longer be one of them I was a cast off. When I was home I didn't care about homework I submerged myself in new anime or chatrooms at least then I had someone to talk to. I wrote about death alot. I realize that now, I often thought about characters dying or I'd write myself into a fanfiction only to give myself a meaningful death. I wanted to be away, out of this city that we grew up in, every where I went I was reminded of how they were my life and now I had nothing.
It took me sometime to be able to open up to a friend in French Class, I hadn't noticed but we knew each other. We had met in junior high. Soon enough it was the only class I looked forward to. I had someone to talk to, I had friends again. Our conversations were shallow and only brushed our inrests in games or anime but it was better than writing about my own death in the middle of class. But now shes my dearest friend and I'm so thankful for her in every way. She helped to pull me out of my funk and made me happy again. She doesn't know it but she helped to save me I don't think I'd be able to realize how foolish I was for allowing myself to get so hurt by unfaithful friends. I'm still healing there are still moments when I hate myself and wish I could act like everyone else. But I can go to bed without crying myself to sleep. I can look at myself and think that I'm not worthless and that I do have potental. Why am I posting this? Because it's therapy and I just want everyone that's a friend of mine on chatango to know, you are all amazing people and talking to everyone brought light to me in a time when all I saw was darkness. I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people from all around the world. Even Jon, I know I'm mean to you but you're the first person to make me feel beautiful, and to force me come out of my little shell.
