Been a while.

Been quite some time since I've posted. I've been concentrating on my new intrest in writing. Funny to think I've neglected updating my blog when I want to be a writer. I started to think that I'm barely now getting out of my funk. I'd been going through a terrible depression for too long in my opinion. It ruined high school for me, I know that. It's hard to think that the ones that smile constantly or attempt to have a bright outlook on the world could be going through emotional trama. To be honest I hated my life to no end, I hated my friends, I hated my family, I hated my luck. After the death of my dog, who I had to witness get hit by a car... even thinking about it hurts. I believe thats when it all began to go downhill. My friends became distant, my best friend began to hate me for having friends outside of our group. She did her best to separate me from my freinds and they went along with it, meeting up in secret, keeping me out of the loop. It was a terrible feeling still vaulnerable from the incident with my dog I was heartbroken and my depression became even worse. I blamed myself, I told myself I was a terrible person that deserved no friends. I sat alone, or hid in the library or classrooms during breaks. Walking home with my friends was unbearable, I often walked several feet behind them only to run home as soon as I could to cry. Soon enough I was walking home alone I was no longer invited to hang out and I never went to my best friends house. Although we were still best friends at the time. Sophmore year began to end and I was given a new dog, along with his little brother. I gave the little brother to my at the time best friend hoping it would bring us closer again and it did. For a short while we talked about raising out puppies and her mom brought doggie treats to me as a thank you. But in the end things returned to normal. Summer started and we went the entire three months without seeing one another, even though we lived pretty much accross the street. That summer was spent mostly alone, hidden in my house, I worked yes and hung out with my out of school friends going to anime conventions. When school started again my egger 'hi' to my assumed best friend was returned by a look. A look of utter disgust, of loathing, a look that told me "you're not good enough to speak to me." To be honest my world crumbled at that moment. I knew our friendship was dying, and that we weren't as close as we once were but to be thrown away so easily broke my heart. The others in my group followed they appeared uncomfertable if I spoke to them and often huddled around her. It was painful to think the people I'd been friends with since elementry school could be so... unfaithful. I've never liked to be alone I prefer to have one person to bond with at the least, but so much time had been built around them I had no idea how to form other friendships. I was alone, heartbroken, and depressed. I often advoided school and was absent maybe every other day or I'd wake up to only go to the last three classes of the day. I hated being there, I hated having classes with her. I hated seeing them walking home. It hurt because I could no longer be one of them I was a cast off. When I was home I didn't care about homework I submerged myself in new anime or chatrooms at least then I had someone to talk to. I wrote about death alot. I realize that now, I often thought about characters dying or I'd write myself into a fanfiction only to give myself a meaningful death. I wanted to be away, out of this city that we grew up in, every where I went I was reminded of how they were my life and now I had nothing.
It took me sometime to be able to open up to a friend in French Class, I hadn't noticed but we knew each other. We had met in junior high. Soon enough it was the only class I looked forward to. I had someone to talk to, I had friends again. Our conversations were shallow and only brushed our inrests in games or anime but it was better than writing about my own death in the middle of class. But now shes my dearest friend and I'm so thankful for her in every way. She helped to pull me out of my funk and made me happy again. She doesn't know it but she helped to save me I don't think I'd be able to realize how foolish I was for allowing myself to get so hurt by unfaithful friends. I'm still healing there are still moments when I hate myself and wish I could act like everyone else. But I can go to bed without crying myself to sleep. I can look at myself and think that I'm not worthless and that I do have potental. Why am I posting this? Because it's therapy and I just want everyone that's a friend of mine on chatango to know, you are all amazing people and talking to everyone brought light to me in a time when all I saw was darkness. I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people from all around the world. Even Jon, I know I'm mean to you but you're the first person to make me feel beautiful, and to force me come out of my little shell.

September 25, 2011

My family is away and I'm taking care of the house, kind of, its a bit of a mess and I spend most of my time at work or at my friends place. Last night was a marathon of Portal, I downloaded it onto my Xbox at around 3am, beat it around 7am yea I didn't get much sleep, and it was well worth it. Of course I didn't do anything else the rest of the day I had terrible cramps and rolled around on the couch most of the day.
Oh well.
 I've been thinking about what if I stopped talking to someone, I've realized he isn't as nice as I thought he was, actually he's a total idiot and I dont know why I still talk to him. Why did I waste my time with him?
Oh well.
The last season of Desperate Housewives started tonight of course I watched that was well as Panem, looks interesting, can't wait to see how it folds out. I've got work tomorrow to, donno if I wanna steal mama's bed or sleep in mine, but I should go to bed soon so I wake up in the morning God knows I hate mornings an 8 hour shift, lets hope my managers don't forget to give me my brake and end up sending me home early again. -3- stupid that's 12 bucks I coulda made lol I work my butt off for scraps.
Oh well.
Today totally a throw away day, didn't really fell like a day off, I've got Wednesday off, thats nice. Mama should be home by then -3- poo I only get one day home to myself. Oh well. I should cook tomorrow but what? Chicken? Haven't made chicken in a while, chicken pasta... penae pasta alfredo? Or a hearty Marinara sauce. I'll figure it out, I'll prolly end up making something asian inspired as I always do, excluding that night I bbq'd for the first time, taught myself too. Good times.
Well I'm signing off and I'll prilly look at stuff before I finally doze off to sleep, well have to wash my uniform first -3- poop. Here I go.
Good night and happy times.

September 11th 2011

Been a while since my last post, alot came up including my mom's birthday and quite a bit of drama.
Although I'm happy to report the gift I got her she loved x3. My sister came home today for a visit, she' had just gotten back from her trip to Aruba. -3- I spent the entire time rubbing her belly :3 and I showed her the blanket I'm making for Baby Talia, its a cute name but I think she coulda picked better -3- jk. I spent a lovely day with my family and I'm really tired, though in a really good mood.

August 26, 2011

So I'm rather irritated, I was SUPOSSED to go to the movies tonight but that didn't happen, I have to watch Lil Gil because my brother has work tonight, somehow MY plans have to be ruined to watch HIS son.Yes I know I complained about the movie but I still prefer to hang out with my friends rather than spending ANOTHER Friday night at home, alone, with a 5 year old... oh God someone shoot me I'm SUCH a loser.
I know I complain alot but oh well, I guess I can spend the night scanning pictures for meh mom's bday party and looking at colleges, citrus isn't working out so I think I'll try and go to a university next year, take a year off and save money, get a car, go on another trip sooomething. I should party more.

Something Cute Zac wrote for me:

Eikichi (1:54:41 PM): Nessa. What can I say other than simply perfect. She is a butterfly. Elegant and graceful. Always sweet and caring. And oh so innocent.~ She tries to help everyone and makes sure that they are happy. She isn’t selfish, she is the exact opposite. She is super sweet~ I can say. This woman I love truly. xD <3 She Nessa-chan. The super sweet girl of your dreams.~
^Sorry Zac, thats proof you're sweet <3

August 25, 2011

So I already know I'm gonna have a hard time keeping up with this. I'm not an exciting person writing about my day everyday seems pointless. What great thoughts do I have? That I need to quit my job haha. I've been thinking of what I want to do with my life since college doesn't seem to be working out very well. I'd like to take an online course for graphic design, my mum doesn't like that. Since I made curry the other day and it was EPIC she's bugging me about cooking school, honestly I love cooking but I don't think I could do it as a living though I thought owning a bakery one day would be sooooo awesome. I want to be a graphic artist, my goal is to work for funimation and create awesome advertisments and comercials, honestly the ones they currently have bore me to death, whoever did the Hetalia ones are awesome cuz at least that one is great, and I understand that a dramatic show calls for a dramatic preview but not always, it could be a bit more action packed and blah blah blah. Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with my friends to watch "Dont Be afaid of the dark." I HATE horror movies, not only is the story lacking but there is always a sex scene out of nowhere and the actors often suck and only actually act well when they're being killed. The day after that I'm going to a party... I think the birthday girl is like 7 -______- Oh being an aunty sucks LOL. Lil Gil will have fun, he's going through that stage where girls are Icky :D It's cute~

August 22, 2011

Today would have been my first day of college but since I sadly couldn't get any classes, so here I sit at home with a pouty face while my friends attend classes. I'm currently nibbling on a breakfast pizza my sister in law mad e and thinking about what to do with the rest of my day off. Finishing off my Strawberry Banana smoothie from Naked I can't help but to think my life is lame. I'd like to hang out with my bestie, she always has hot guys around her >3< I have such a one track mind lol.
When I hung out with her a couple days ago I met a rather... simply put. HOT guy, he was into anime and rather nice x3 of course at the end of the night I walk into the room just after he gives my best friend a surprise kiss. I can't help but to be jealous of the powers my friend has. She's great with people and guys droll over her, not to mention she plays guitar, yes she can't sing but still she's freakin awesome.
The more time I spend with her the more I feel like an outsider, I mean I am the girl that has more fun trolling newbs than talking to people.