After Wicked

Long time no post?

Last time in Nessa's life:

My mom got me a ticket to see Wicked as a Christmas gift. It was a great gift and I looked forward to it for weeks, last night was the night. She and I went to Hollywood, ate at the famous Katsuya then went into the pantagas(sp?) theater. The theater alone is beautiful, gaudy and dramatic as it should be. The play started and... it was my first play our seats were amazing a perfect view of the stage, no one's head in front of me or anything. Nothing could have been better. The play it self was so great one of the best experiences of my life. I loved every moment of the play and even though I've listened to the soundtrack a million times I still cried when the Elphaba died. After the play ended we went home and my mom and I sat at our table and talked, like we normally do. Something was off though and I asked what was wrong. My mother told me that (understand it's tuesday) on Friday night my big sister was taken to prison, no one knew where she was until Monday. She was taken to jail because she was caught drinking and driving but now she's safe at home. And after the story I couldn't help but to smirk, a smirk and the only thing that hit my head was "Oh God she's an idiot, I knew something like this would happen" then "Of course I'm being told this after everything happens." I was hurt yes that I was the only one walking around the house not knowing that so much had been going on. After a few moments my mom uttered the most annoying words "I can't believe you smiled at that, I'm so hurt." She went on a rant that my sister has been through so much and she couldn't believe that I was laughing at her. I stared at her in disbelief my feelings were the ones being hurt now. It was then that I went off on her explaining myself to her, then my anger that she would think that I'd be happy something like that would happen to my sister and how tired I am being seen as the mean one.

It was at this moment that I felt like Elphaba. I've always felt like Elphaba the odd one the one that my family looked down on. I accept that I'm different but I am not mean. I hate being seen as an evil person, I hate being though of mean spirited. I am a nice person, I think about other people's problems and I bake cookies for friends and coworkers, even coworkers I can't stand. 

I will admit. I can be aggressive or quick to anger, my tongue is sharp. But these are things that have developed in me because of how I've been treated. I've been harassed at school, ignored and made fun of by family members, beaten up by my brother. The way I act has been engraved into me and I can't help it, nothing about me is overbearing to be honest. When presented a stressful situation, or an aggressive person I am submissive and quiet I keep to myself in large crowds I will be the one to give up, I tear up easily and when my feelings are hurt I will cry. I've never wanted to be seen as weak, but I am. I cry at romances, I have nightmares of bad things happening to my dogs, I am paranoid, I have anxiety attacks, I have a low self esteem, I am not talented, or smart, and I don't stand out, I'm average at best. I recognize these things and I accept them, I feel sometimes my aggression, and quick temper is a result of this to hide the 2nd rate person that I feel I am. But no I'm not unhappy with myself, I don't hate myself. I love myself, I love my flaws I love my hair, my eyes, my skin, I love my family, my friends, my pets. I am happy with who I am becoming but I wish the people around me would understand that I'm not scary, and that I'm not a mean person, I have no ill intentions for anyone and I'd hate to see any living creature in pain. 

In conclusion I've decided to leave, or at least attempt, I'm going to the military, I'm going to follow in my grandfather's footsteps and join the Air Force. There is a chance I wont be accepted yes but I feel this is something I need to do for and to myself. I think it will be a brilliant growing experience, allow me to go to school, earn money, and after 2 years of service I hope that I will develop the skills needed to develop who I am, outside of being seen as aggressive, mean, and shy but when my family sees me they will think "She's is a strong adult" and they will no longer view me as a child.