Gah it's been a very long time since I posted but so much has happened and my mind has been everywhere.
I think I'll leave out the thick of the issues since I don't like to dwell on bad thoughts. None-the-less I haven't been in the best mood. I started preparations to join the air force, though at this rate it looks more likely I'll find a new job before then. Should I find a good job or really start caring about school then I'll stay. Things will be harder but you know... at least I'll still be here. I mean... I really don't want to miss The Mortal Instruments movie when it comes out, it seems like a silly reason but I really do love this series and have put a lot of my heart into following it. Plans for Anime Expo 2013 are underway, and the construction of my cosplay will begin soon. I'm looking forward to it.
My niece is turning 1 this Saturday and I'm very excited. She's just so darn cute. On that note I'm starting to entertain the idea of having kids when I get married. I don't know. It's possible. Mom claims I MUST with my 'child bearing hips.' Haha, old people.
Anyways. This is a short random post to get me back into the gist of posting, need to return to my go-lucky personality. Being happy and making those around you happy is what matters right?
God Bless
-Nessa

Anime Expo 2012!

OMG Blogger changed its settings! How annoying I don't like this one bit! Oh well...
So! I recently got back from my trip to Anime Expo.
Okay so here is the break down of the days.
Day 0:
My mom drops my cousin and I off at Jenny's around 1 the group gathers round and we rush to KT's place who we find on her laptop, her bags not packed... Keep in mind we need to be at the hotel by 3 to check in. So we pack her stuff quickly and rush to the car but she comes out of the house in dramatics claiming she wont be coming next year... hahaha you can't deny the Anime Expo~ Well we get to the hotel on time thanks to Jenny's dad's scary driving somehow we didn't die. Check in, get to our room and I figure out a way to get rid of Jenny's mom. X3 so we have the room to ourselves! 5 girls in a room with 2 beds one small bathroom and a closet. It's going to be an interesting time.
Roll call:
Myself (5th year)
Sabrina (my cousin 1st year)
Kt (3rd year)
Jenny (3rd year)
Jissel (Jenny's sister 2nd year)
So day 0 is the day to pick up badges and last year we waited in one spot for like 2 hours because we got there before the darn thing opened. This year I suggested we wait at least an hour after things open before rushing to the center to get our badges the girls agree, there was still a line but at least it moved kinda quickly too.
So we get our badges I and we go to find the shuttles to the hotel. The XGames were going on so it made wondering around harder and they had to move the shuttles from last year... though they were right under our noses and I decided we're dumb! Anyways we get back to the hotel soon after and most of us were used to the hotel already I guess I forgot to show my cousin around the hotel but oh well. We went and got something to eat in the food courts, I can't remember what I ate... I think I got a potato I'd been craving one since last year.
A large baked potato filled with broccoli, chicken, cheese, sour cream, onions... I love it!
So the day closes on Day 0, don't forget I got the girls to watch Princess Jellyfish, Nerima Daikon Brothers, and then I pelvic thrusted the window as elevators went by in case you don't know the hotel we stayed at, one wall in each room is made out of windows, and all the elevators are glass our window was RIGHT next to the elevator perfect view. Hehehe great way to end the night... along with a nice bath while the girls watched anime.
Day 1.
-My goals for Anime Expo:
-Find a Soushi cosplayer
-Buy Inu X Boku merchandise
-Buy anything and everything Hakuoki/Hakuouki
Now these aren't easy tasks neither Inu X Boku or Hakuoki are popular so I had to search like a crazed animal. That's exactly what I did...
So squeezing into the exhibit hall at around 1 we run around shopping like idiots I believe this was the day I bought my Saito plushie... it's not hard when all of them are staring at you and you can only get one because there is no way I'd spend 50 bucks on plushies... one for 25 is bad enough. It was either Hijikata-san or Saito... I got Saito~ because... I love him~
So Saito-san in my clinging grasp I meet up with the girls again and we head back to the hotel to get ready for the dance that night, which was Pokemon themed! So I dressed up as White, if you don't know what I mean you're not a Pokemon fan. I ran into a Red and we were like HEEEY~ it was fun. So after several hours walking through the con, and then 4 hours of dancing I got to dance with 2 guys that night X3 Happy face~
Day 2.
Nothing too eventful I saw a sign for Hakuoki at one of the stands... and charged for it going "What do you have from Hakuoki!?" He didn't have anything... he only told me they were coming out with DVDs soon, I grumble and leave. But DVD's? SWEET! I shall own them all soon : D so the day goes on and I run into a group of Hakuoki keychains of course I get Saito~ <3 I also ran into a Bishonen stand BISHONEN! Well everything was overpriced I'd seen several of the things they had for half the price at best, so I didn't end up getting anything from them >.<  I also found two Soushi Cosplayers! What a terrible day for me to decide not to cosplay DX!
Well other than that I found a box with Hijikata's face on it but it's sealed closed and I can't read Japanese so I go to the stand owner and ask "What is this?" his response "Traditional undergarments." My responce.. O___O... soon after my mouth flew open and I just gawked at the box of underwear! A pair of underwear for 40 bucks! I put the box back and went on my marry way >.>
Almost did get it though... I might if I see it next year.
So I go back to the hotel room we get ready for the dance which is cat theme, while waiting in line a guy walks up to us shows us a picture of our backs, our cat tails resting behind us and says "Sorry I love cat girls its my thing."  and walks away. We just stared at him and Jenny's little sister looked like she was about to cry... it was the most awkward experience I've ever had at Anime Expo.
Well we all end up leaving the dance early because it was terribly crowded.
Day 3.
I'm alone with Sabrina when we make our way to the exhibit hall the other girls wanted to look at artist ally but I had no interest in that so as I'm walking I see another Hakuoki sign at a game stand... a stand I'd never visit if it hadn't been for that sign. Sabrina behind me I suddenly charge for it and demand to see everything they have thats Hakuoki which include: Hakuoki pin set, a notebook, and the game; limited and regular edition. My response "I'll take everything!" So the lady asks me "Would you like the regular or limited edition of the game" I've never been one for limited anything so I say regular but she says."Are you sure, the limited edition comes with this art book" She hands me a book with pictures from the game which I pretend to examine and consider whether or not I want limited edition... though I wanted to scream I'LL GET THE LIMITED! I pretended to be classy and just agreed to limited spending about 40 bucks at that stand. Worth every penny~ <3 Suddenly on a Hakuoki high I grab my cousin and we head to one of the bishonen stands and I get a Hijikata poster... why should Saito get ALL my love.~?
That was if for the exhibit hall, soon after we head to the hotel and I show off my amazing find though the game is for PSP... which I don't own.
I didn't point out I'd gotten my girlfriends into Hakuoki, I had it playing while I got ready for the dance and hear the other girls screaming as the plot thickens... hehehe~
Day 3 dance the theme was Party Rock, but I didn't want to dress up for that so I just wore a normal summer outfit. I ended up dancing with 2 guys that night the first told me it was obvious I don't get out much, not nice >.< then when he came back to try and dance with me again, he found me with another guy~ X3 KT seemed to decide I'm popular with guys at that point, Jissel claims I move my hips too much... you know what? YOU GOT IT FLAUNT IT! : D
We didn't end up back at the hotel till around 3:25am... good Lord were we tired x.x
Day 4.
Last day of the con so we decide to blow the rest of our money.
Check out of the hotel.
Get picked up.
and go home.
And such concluded our Anime Expo 2012 experience~ There are other little tid bits I didn't include but that's the most of it :3
Here's a picture of my cosplay :) Lots of work went into it and I'm happy with how it turned out~
When I finish Hakuoki I'll review it here X3

When I was happy

Do you remember when I was happy? It feels like so long ago. I'm getting to my breaking point. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel so alone. My friends don't seem to want to hang out with me anymore. I spend much of my days alone in my room staring at a wall. Things have been peaceful, I've gotten along with my mom and brother, the occasional visit from my niece brightens my days but right now... I just need to ... I don't know. I feel like my rut has come back that happiness I got from my English class is fading thank goodness I'll be starting some more classes next week. I've lost inspiration to move anymore all I want to do is watch everything move around me I feel trapped inside. Could this be karma? I need something, something that will brighten everything to make me smile again... I need to think positive but I'm having such a hard time doing that right now. I feel like I'm failing myself. I don't want to do that... I don't want to be here. I don't want my friends to ignore me. I don't want to work at Mc Donalds... I want to run away, hide somewhere no one can find me. But that's illogical life is what it is right now, things will get better I know but those days seem so far away right now.

After Wicked

Long time no post?

Last time in Nessa's life:

My mom got me a ticket to see Wicked as a Christmas gift. It was a great gift and I looked forward to it for weeks, last night was the night. She and I went to Hollywood, ate at the famous Katsuya then went into the pantagas(sp?) theater. The theater alone is beautiful, gaudy and dramatic as it should be. The play started and... it was my first play our seats were amazing a perfect view of the stage, no one's head in front of me or anything. Nothing could have been better. The play it self was so great one of the best experiences of my life. I loved every moment of the play and even though I've listened to the soundtrack a million times I still cried when the Elphaba died. After the play ended we went home and my mom and I sat at our table and talked, like we normally do. Something was off though and I asked what was wrong. My mother told me that (understand it's tuesday) on Friday night my big sister was taken to prison, no one knew where she was until Monday. She was taken to jail because she was caught drinking and driving but now she's safe at home. And after the story I couldn't help but to smirk, a smirk and the only thing that hit my head was "Oh God she's an idiot, I knew something like this would happen" then "Of course I'm being told this after everything happens." I was hurt yes that I was the only one walking around the house not knowing that so much had been going on. After a few moments my mom uttered the most annoying words "I can't believe you smiled at that, I'm so hurt." She went on a rant that my sister has been through so much and she couldn't believe that I was laughing at her. I stared at her in disbelief my feelings were the ones being hurt now. It was then that I went off on her explaining myself to her, then my anger that she would think that I'd be happy something like that would happen to my sister and how tired I am being seen as the mean one.

It was at this moment that I felt like Elphaba. I've always felt like Elphaba the odd one the one that my family looked down on. I accept that I'm different but I am not mean. I hate being seen as an evil person, I hate being though of mean spirited. I am a nice person, I think about other people's problems and I bake cookies for friends and coworkers, even coworkers I can't stand. 

I will admit. I can be aggressive or quick to anger, my tongue is sharp. But these are things that have developed in me because of how I've been treated. I've been harassed at school, ignored and made fun of by family members, beaten up by my brother. The way I act has been engraved into me and I can't help it, nothing about me is overbearing to be honest. When presented a stressful situation, or an aggressive person I am submissive and quiet I keep to myself in large crowds I will be the one to give up, I tear up easily and when my feelings are hurt I will cry. I've never wanted to be seen as weak, but I am. I cry at romances, I have nightmares of bad things happening to my dogs, I am paranoid, I have anxiety attacks, I have a low self esteem, I am not talented, or smart, and I don't stand out, I'm average at best. I recognize these things and I accept them, I feel sometimes my aggression, and quick temper is a result of this to hide the 2nd rate person that I feel I am. But no I'm not unhappy with myself, I don't hate myself. I love myself, I love my flaws I love my hair, my eyes, my skin, I love my family, my friends, my pets. I am happy with who I am becoming but I wish the people around me would understand that I'm not scary, and that I'm not a mean person, I have no ill intentions for anyone and I'd hate to see any living creature in pain. 

In conclusion I've decided to leave, or at least attempt, I'm going to the military, I'm going to follow in my grandfather's footsteps and join the Air Force. There is a chance I wont be accepted yes but I feel this is something I need to do for and to myself. I think it will be a brilliant growing experience, allow me to go to school, earn money, and after 2 years of service I hope that I will develop the skills needed to develop who I am, outside of being seen as aggressive, mean, and shy but when my family sees me they will think "She's is a strong adult" and they will no longer view me as a child. 

School Tomorrow

Ah! So someone is reading this? Well I'm sorry I haven't posted, I've been busy with work, holidays, and my new blog. I don't want to say much about it here but its one of my major steps in having a writing career. A few things to report:
My big sister had her baby, a beautiful 7lbs baby girl named Talia, she was born on Thanksgiving morning 6am and my sister was in labor for about 28 hours.
And.... that's about it. ^^~
Along with that I've found myself stuck with a crush. Is it a crush? Maybe an attraction? Well it's not going anywhere and I wish I'd just get over it already, I can't help it if he makes my heart go TokiDoki. Haha, I'm not pleased with the fact that I'm too much of a nervous wreck to go ahead and say hi, but I think I can be happy and admire from a far. I've been in an amazing mood for the most part though this past week has been kind of hard on me. I suffer from anxiousness, I think too much and knots form in my stomach, I become afraid of the dumbest things and those fears often get in the way of good things. But the winter session at my college starts tomorrow and I'm afraid, even though I wasn't able to register for any classes I really still want to get into a class and I decided that I'd go and I'd sit in that class till I was able to take someone's spot, I'm afraid I wont get a class, or that I wont be able to handle it so that knot in my stomach has been getting tighter and tighter. I think I can do this though! I've got the resolve and I'm honestly excited to take a step forward, it's failure that scares me the most but failure is a part of life isn't it? Humans fall then they get back up even though I act strange I'm still a human. Wish me luck kay? And pray that I wake up because I have to be out the door by 8:30am x.x
Well I'm going to go lay out my clothes for tomorrow drink a cup of tea and go to bed, not before setting several alarms around my bed to wake me up hehe. Goodnight and much love.

Been a while.

Been quite some time since I've posted. I've been concentrating on my new intrest in writing. Funny to think I've neglected updating my blog when I want to be a writer. I started to think that I'm barely now getting out of my funk. I'd been going through a terrible depression for too long in my opinion. It ruined high school for me, I know that. It's hard to think that the ones that smile constantly or attempt to have a bright outlook on the world could be going through emotional trama. To be honest I hated my life to no end, I hated my friends, I hated my family, I hated my luck. After the death of my dog, who I had to witness get hit by a car... even thinking about it hurts. I believe thats when it all began to go downhill. My friends became distant, my best friend began to hate me for having friends outside of our group. She did her best to separate me from my freinds and they went along with it, meeting up in secret, keeping me out of the loop. It was a terrible feeling still vaulnerable from the incident with my dog I was heartbroken and my depression became even worse. I blamed myself, I told myself I was a terrible person that deserved no friends. I sat alone, or hid in the library or classrooms during breaks. Walking home with my friends was unbearable, I often walked several feet behind them only to run home as soon as I could to cry. Soon enough I was walking home alone I was no longer invited to hang out and I never went to my best friends house. Although we were still best friends at the time. Sophmore year began to end and I was given a new dog, along with his little brother. I gave the little brother to my at the time best friend hoping it would bring us closer again and it did. For a short while we talked about raising out puppies and her mom brought doggie treats to me as a thank you. But in the end things returned to normal. Summer started and we went the entire three months without seeing one another, even though we lived pretty much accross the street. That summer was spent mostly alone, hidden in my house, I worked yes and hung out with my out of school friends going to anime conventions. When school started again my egger 'hi' to my assumed best friend was returned by a look. A look of utter disgust, of loathing, a look that told me "you're not good enough to speak to me." To be honest my world crumbled at that moment. I knew our friendship was dying, and that we weren't as close as we once were but to be thrown away so easily broke my heart. The others in my group followed they appeared uncomfertable if I spoke to them and often huddled around her. It was painful to think the people I'd been friends with since elementry school could be so... unfaithful. I've never liked to be alone I prefer to have one person to bond with at the least, but so much time had been built around them I had no idea how to form other friendships. I was alone, heartbroken, and depressed. I often advoided school and was absent maybe every other day or I'd wake up to only go to the last three classes of the day. I hated being there, I hated having classes with her. I hated seeing them walking home. It hurt because I could no longer be one of them I was a cast off. When I was home I didn't care about homework I submerged myself in new anime or chatrooms at least then I had someone to talk to. I wrote about death alot. I realize that now, I often thought about characters dying or I'd write myself into a fanfiction only to give myself a meaningful death. I wanted to be away, out of this city that we grew up in, every where I went I was reminded of how they were my life and now I had nothing.
It took me sometime to be able to open up to a friend in French Class, I hadn't noticed but we knew each other. We had met in junior high. Soon enough it was the only class I looked forward to. I had someone to talk to, I had friends again. Our conversations were shallow and only brushed our inrests in games or anime but it was better than writing about my own death in the middle of class. But now shes my dearest friend and I'm so thankful for her in every way. She helped to pull me out of my funk and made me happy again. She doesn't know it but she helped to save me I don't think I'd be able to realize how foolish I was for allowing myself to get so hurt by unfaithful friends. I'm still healing there are still moments when I hate myself and wish I could act like everyone else. But I can go to bed without crying myself to sleep. I can look at myself and think that I'm not worthless and that I do have potental. Why am I posting this? Because it's therapy and I just want everyone that's a friend of mine on chatango to know, you are all amazing people and talking to everyone brought light to me in a time when all I saw was darkness. I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people from all around the world. Even Jon, I know I'm mean to you but you're the first person to make me feel beautiful, and to force me come out of my little shell.

September 25, 2011

My family is away and I'm taking care of the house, kind of, its a bit of a mess and I spend most of my time at work or at my friends place. Last night was a marathon of Portal, I downloaded it onto my Xbox at around 3am, beat it around 7am yea I didn't get much sleep, and it was well worth it. Of course I didn't do anything else the rest of the day I had terrible cramps and rolled around on the couch most of the day.
Oh well.
 I've been thinking about what if I stopped talking to someone, I've realized he isn't as nice as I thought he was, actually he's a total idiot and I dont know why I still talk to him. Why did I waste my time with him?
Oh well.
The last season of Desperate Housewives started tonight of course I watched that was well as Panem, looks interesting, can't wait to see how it folds out. I've got work tomorrow to, donno if I wanna steal mama's bed or sleep in mine, but I should go to bed soon so I wake up in the morning God knows I hate mornings an 8 hour shift, lets hope my managers don't forget to give me my brake and end up sending me home early again. -3- stupid that's 12 bucks I coulda made lol I work my butt off for scraps.
Oh well.
Today totally a throw away day, didn't really fell like a day off, I've got Wednesday off, thats nice. Mama should be home by then -3- poo I only get one day home to myself. Oh well. I should cook tomorrow but what? Chicken? Haven't made chicken in a while, chicken pasta... penae pasta alfredo? Or a hearty Marinara sauce. I'll figure it out, I'll prolly end up making something asian inspired as I always do, excluding that night I bbq'd for the first time, taught myself too. Good times.
Well I'm signing off and I'll prilly look at stuff before I finally doze off to sleep, well have to wash my uniform first -3- poop. Here I go.
Good night and happy times.